Saturday brought a stomach ache that kept me bundled up in a blanket while the world spun round and fun things happened. 

There are things I wanted to do. They didn’t get done. 

Time is on my mind lately, more than usual. My dad is really sick and a girl can’t help but start thinking about time in a permanent, finite way. Will he be here for Christmas? When booking that business trip to London, should I stay an extra few days or rush back home—just. in. case? When he was first diagnosed a few doctors said he probably had six months. That was in September and there days where I very literally feel like I can see the time slipping past me as I walk to my train. 

And because of my dad I’m thinking hard about the time I have and how I use it. I am greedy for time. 

I have time for work and my family (not quite enough for family, but I need to eek out a smidge of time for me or I’ll go bananas). I don’t have enough time for friends, not nearly enough time. I had to cut out volunteering while life is uncertain.  I wanted to join the Y and water aerobicize with Golda, that’s on hold for now too. I wanted to help out with Full-Figured Fashion Week in Los Angeles last week (by all accounts it was magical—again—because Gwen is magical). I wanted to go to the Kiss-In or take a day off work to get extra PR for it. I want to write more. Go to Re/Dress once a week. Live in a sparkling clean apartment. Take my friends out for brunch. Knit presents for new babies. Visit the new babies. Make dolls for Christmas. Plan weekend trips. 

But there’s not enough time right now. I am still adjusting to what it means to have a sick dad. I will find some more time for the things I’m missing. I will find a way to not feel like a terrible daughter for taking business trips and not going home every weekend to help. I know I will. But now I’m a little bit frozen. A little bit confused. A little bit overwhelmed by what I should be doing and what I want to be doing. Is it wrong to date when your dad has terminal cancer? Is it wrong to get inordinately excited when your tights from WeLoveColors arrive in the mail (red, teal and scout green, if you’re wondering). 

I don’t know. 

Sometimes I wish too hard for a real-life version of Hermione’s time turning necklace to find its way around into my hands. One Rachel home. One at work. Another sitting in Madison Square Park knitting baby things out of soft soft yarn while sipping a caramel milkshake.